trainerboy

Trainer Boy leaves today.

He came to stay with us for two weeks.

That was two months ago, but no one had the heart to tell him to move on.

Until we told him to move on.

 

I live in a household of three.

Me, my best friend, and her partner…

who has become my other best friend.

 

We live in a love triangle.

Just without anything sleazy or untoward.

These two people have become my rock.

But even a trio of rocks can be one rock too many.

 

So trainerboy came to stay

and he evened out the numbers.

He also picked up after me, got me exercising, got me cooking again, watched twin peaks with me, gave me hugs, filled in for me at work, leant me his car, and acted as a truly true mate.

 

To the point I had to question some of my other ‘so called’ friendships. His presence caused a bit of a rucous and some noses were put well out of joint. But at a time that I needed it he gave me love.

 

On his last night he slept in my bed. He held me tight all night and although it wasn’t the most comfortable of sleeps it was one of the best I’ve had in the house.

 

I wish he could stay. I really do. But as is the case with a vote of three, two will always win. So I begrudgingly go back to the way things were, and wonder who will watch the end of twin peaks with me.

fired up

i was running late for work. 

this is how most of my stories begin. that or, 'we were really drunk'.

Ofcourse the perfect story would be one that started with the two together...

i was really drunk and running late for work

but not today

i was just running really late

when i realised i hadn't blogged for at least a week

and i needed something juicy...

so i stopped at the cafe, job number two. the chef had bought an item from my job number one a few months ago, except he hadn't paid for it, and each time i reminded him about the 'purchase' he fobbed me off.

i was already pissed with him as i had only just got back my favourite jacket which he had 'borrowed' a few months before. 

see earlier blog for details on that fiasco.

anyho...

I reminded him about the purchase he had not yet purchased. He fobbed me off again so i reminded him about the jacket incident, drawing parallels between the two.

he argued with me about it, as he does, kneeding the dough aggressively. i reminded myself not to eat any baked goods from the cafe that day. i didn't need a scone filled with his anger.

lets pretend i'm not a nice person and sometimes i bait people for fun. lets pretend further this was one of those times.

i said to him... this is the problem i had the whole time we 'were' friends.

the hook lodged firmly in his cheek.

what do you mean 'were' friends?

well we're not really friends are we. i thought we were, even though you treat me like shit. but then trainer boy came to stay. and we treat each other like mates, you know...looking out for each other, helping each other, caring about someone else.

The chef turned,"i don't care. I don't care about you. I don't care about you and trainer boy. I don't care about any of you.

I smiled and lowered my voice. He hates it when i do that. So i smiled especially big and lowered my voice especially especially low. " i know. This is what i am saying".

"i'm just embarrassed i was the last one to realize this about you."

the doe was a crumbled mess on the counter as he burrowed his fists through the stainless steel bench top.

And then he erupted.

GET OUT

YOU'RE FIRED

DO NOT COME BACK

YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK HERE

the other chef tried to hide behind a broom stick.

'fine' i whispered..."when do you think you'll be coming in to pay for that shirt?"

a bowl flew past me and crashed into the wall behind.

i left.

The owner rang me later in the day to make sure i was still coming to work on Thursday.

The chef quit.

shirt unpaid.

blog written.

thankyou

today is my birthday

so happy birthday to me

i struggle with this day each year

each year i remind myself of what i haven't accomplished

but

today

i can't wallow

because

what i do know

despite how i treat myself

is

that

i am loved

i am surrounded by love

today i was blindfolded

and lead on a wild goose chase

and then my blindfold was removed

and i looked into the room

all the people i love were gathered before me

at some ungodly hour

but they were there

because i work a lot

and this was the only time i had available today

and these people made themselves available to me

and i am overwhelmed

because no matter what

i love

and am loved in returned

thankyou

all of you

update...

jacket back

dan left it in club cloakroom

stalker was brett

he did it from his laptop

missing

two months ago you left

you didn't even say goodbye

though

it was two weeks before i noticed

i'm sorry

suddenly i opened my eyes 

and you weren't there

just a space

where you once were

i think its only now that you're gone

that i miss you

i guess thats how missing happens

now i dream about you

i wish i didn't 

but i do

what hurts most

is that you left with him

but he's back

and you're now officially missing

and everytime i see him

all i think of is you

when i ask him

he gets angry

shuts me down

and refuses to talk about you

i've gone a bit crazy

rumours of sightings

and i'm ringing people i don't know

on the off chance they know

but they don't

and i'm here

and you're god knows where

i just wish he'd tell me

but i don't think we're talking at the moment

please come back

so...

if anyone has seen a calibre coat

military cut, three quarter length

black flannel with a brown check pattern

size 1

please

it's missing

big fish

i live in a small town

a fishing village

technically it's a city

but its a town

thirty seven thousand people with small town mentality

one of the great things about this small town

is that you can be a big fish

miss h once told me that a friend of hers told her she is a whale

i don't think the friend should have said it while he was sitting behind her on a bicycle

but i understand what he meant

i feel like that whale

i am an orca

Killer whales are voracious predators. They hunt singly or in groups, feeding on fish, seals and other cetaceans. They are usually found in groups and are commonly seen in Australian waters, and occasionally close inshore. They sometimes strand on the Australian coast.

there's my social circle right there

i worry about us being hunted

but chances are our demise will be our own doing

stranded on some remote beach

5am on a sunday morning

flailing around on the sand

stalker

i've been getting texts from an unknown number

here are the transcripts

my replies are in bold

want some dick today?

?

mum i told you not to call me on this phone

yeah your mum was great, but i want to finish the link with you big boy.

my dick has an 11oclock and a one thirty date so you'll have to fit around that

so i'll meet you at the store?

there in half an hour. my dick is in a meeting til then

that's not what dan said

please wash your hands if you're planning on touching mine after holding his monster cock. nah, just kidding... i hear he's really small.

wanna fuck?

you have no idea who this is do you?

i watched you walk home just now

and i want that zanderobe jacket

k, its sam...i just really want that jacket

i can let you wear it while i fuck you but then its going straight to the drycleaner

what about a quick fuck with saxon too

maybe... bring your wallet. it could be an expensive night for you

no... one for you bitch

i hope you didn't speak to my mum like that

your mum is my trophy

you asleep big boy?

just sitting around waiting for your call. i guess i can go to bed now

night

sleep tight

ok

morning cutie...hope your day fuckin kicks ars. make sure you wear that zanderobe jacket cos i know where you live now... just which bedroom?

hey... just a technical point or two. 1)it's zanerobe not zanderobe 2)i didn't walk home yesterday 3)my room is the upstairs one. come over and i'll give you the tour.

shit

shit indeed. hey, before i post this to facebook... who is this?

the girl of your dreams

that's a nice oxymoron

not as contradictory as you think tuff guy

were you just looking that up on your online dictionary

yes

why the fuck did you put my number on facebook?

was that wrong? remember when i said i was going to put your number on facebook? well then i put it on facebook. would you like me to take it off?

nah it just makes it all the more interesting

by the way... nice top

you don't need to see me to know that info. that's a given... but thanks. It's nique by the way... just so you spell it right.

nice poofter pink... just the way i like em

it pays to advertise

so what are you up to tonight? I'm coming back into town, just been away over the last few days.

i thought you'd already know my schedule...

not quite

(my friend receives two texts from this number asking what he is doing tonight)

i thought you were my stalker. leave dan alone

i'm no stalker...i'm someone from within the circle.

yah for me

ok

if anyone is interested...

i didn't go out this weekend

i stayed at home

got drunk

very drunk

shagged a russian backpacker

i did set off for the club

but i was so drunk

i forgot where i was going

ended up circling the block

and standing outside my house

for half an hour

trying to remember where i was going

so yes,

it was only by default i didn't go out

but

i didn't go out

yah for me

For the last time...

so here we are again

its saturday afternoon

the phone calls have started

WHAT ARE WE DOING TONIGHT?

i feel like no one listens to me

i told you all last saturday

i'm not going out any more

last weekend was the last hurrah

thats why we had a big one

i was really clear

the last night out

but no one listens

no one listened when i said it the week before either

nor the week before that

so let me be as clear as i can...

TONIGHT IS THE LAST NIGHT I'M GOING OUT

it's the last one so we should probably make it a biggie...

the truth

i told a lie

i felt so bad about it

that i followed it up with another lie

i don't know if i'm more concerned by the lie or the fact i'm upset about the lie

the thing is...

i always lie

constantly

which is really funny as i'm one of the most brutally honest people i know

people rely on my honest opinion

a lot of times i use the honesty to mask the lie that follows

this time i lied about where i was and who i was with

i wasn't trying to hide anything or cover my tracks

i lied and made up the tracks.

a winding weaving track of storytelling

where i was very vague with facts and figures

to make it seem like i was covering something

i did it so you'd make that face

the expression that you're absolutely useless at covering

and i know you won't call me up on it

because there's no way you'd want to know the details

the details would hurt you

so i won't bother making them up

so in the spirit of honesty

i actually went straight home from your house the other night

it didn't take two hours

and i didn't stop at anyones on the way

i also never kissed anyone on saturday night

but the expression on your face

made me feel like i did.

i wish i had

kissed someone on saturday

but i was out with Miss H...

i feel crappy i lied

i'm sorry

not crappy enough that i'd tell you

or let you read my blog

especially after that other post

i'm sorry

no lie

man

so this is my blog about you

the one that you asked me to write

what do i say

especially knowing that you'll read it

i'm already blocked

like you're standing over me

that other one i wrote

about that guy

it came out so freely because i knew he'd never see it

well...

you asked for it

i think you're a good man

a great man even

but i always felt that you weren't my man

or the right man for me

but maybe thats because i'm a boy

pretending to be very grown up

but a boy none the less

and you need a man

a man you can boss around

and be grumpy at

slam the door and squeal off down the street with a carafe

you need a man who doesn't bruise

look at me hard and my arm blackens

like a little boy

i have tantrums

like a boy

so when you gave me the ultimatum

i hit the deck

punched and kicked the floor

and told you to leave

so you did

but i'm not that vain

to think

the decision was mine

you knew what was right for you

and you did it

i know you did the right thing

even if i'm left here twiddling my thumbs

writing the odd blog 

facebooking

facebooking

i'm glad you're gone

i feel like we're friends now

i think about you unselfishly now

and want the best for you 

like a man

bow tie

i wore a bow tie on saturday

i've wanted to wear one for 6 months 

out

publicly

but i live in albany

i wore a bow tie on saturday

the whole look was pretty fucking hot

its all about standing straight, tall and cocky

i got hit on the whole night

every chick out wanted to get in my pants

and into my bow tie

Hi

It was a bit weird when i said hi today.

You seemed nervous and twitchy...

...like maybe you were a little bit hi.

I asked you if you were hi.

You said no.

This makes me think you were hi.

That and the fact you went in to defence mode.

You said I looked nervous and twitchy.

And that maybe I was a little bit hi.

I said no.

It did make me feel a bit nervous because I was a little bit hi.

It made me feel a little bit twitchy as well.

I felt defensive so I asked again if you were on drugs.

You again denied and said you were tired from the long drive this morning.

I think you were a little bit hi.

But that could be because I was nervous and twitchy...

...and a little bit hi.

never take the jumbo cup (part2)

So where were we...

...Nighty and I get home and stand over Bonnie who is claiming she's 'fine, just fine', eyes in the back of her head, words slurred like someone who possibly hit their head quite hard. We bundle her into the car and head for the hospital. Bonnie drifts in and out of consciousness whilst the rest of us try to keep her awake with various insults and putdowns. She was called some pretty horrible names during the car ride but its not like she's going to remember, beside it's three against one anyway.

We pull into the hospital emergency drive and Nighty and Clyde hustle Bonnie through the front doors. I parked the car and arrive to find Bonnie has been admitted, Nighty is holding her hand and Clyde is now doing laps of the waiting room in a wheelchair and attempting to jump the chairs. Well if things go badly for him then at least we're in the right place. In all fairness, Clyde is beside himself, and a bit drunk, stressing for his beautiful Bonnie, but trying to keep control of the big guy was becoming an increasingly difficult task.

Anyway... i was rescued by Miss H, who has been released from the police station and has caught a taxi straight to the hospital. Whilst Clyde terrorized the rest of the hospital, Miss H and I sat silently starring at each other across the empty waiting room. The television played quietly in the background but I was in no state to be enjoying Halloween. Whilst Michael Myers beheaded and garroted above me I tapped my foot impatiently. Then Miss H said those terrible, terrible words...

"Are we still going to the club tonight?"

It was like suddenly she could read minds, and mine was currently in the middle of the dancefloor, hands in the air.

I chastised her anyway. Afterall we were here for Bonnie and we still didn't know her condition.

Hands in the air

Hands in the air

Anyway... we didn't make it to the club in the end. Hang on, thats not quite true.

After we were kicked out of the hospital... Thanks Clyde!!!, we headed home, dropping everyone at theirs, oh, except for Bonnie who was going to be kept overnight for observation.

Clyde and I arrived home and sat on the couch in a daze.

That was when Fitness Boy decides to wake up. He fell asleep the moment we got home from bowling and has missed the misadventures. We filled him in on everything he missed. And then he headed off to the club.

I sat on the couch for another two hours waiting for my heart to slow down.

I think it went back to normal some time on thursday.

don't blog angry. DON'T BLOG ANGRY

It's not like I didn't know where the conversation was going.

I think it was because despite you saying you'd been thinking really hard about what to say and that it pained you to say it at all, the fact is we've had this talk three times now. Unfortunately your short term memory is so fucked you can never remember we've had the talk. I used to think this was because you'd fucked yourself up with drugs but the more i go on the more i think it may be because you're stupid.

This is the pattern we follow.

We hang out.

We hang out more and more.

We stop spending time with anyone else and just stay together.

We start sharing a bed again.

We start sharing everything again.

Our hugs last longer.

Our kisses last longer.

The L word starts being bandied around.

We have the talk where we decide to just be friends.

Our hugs last longer and i swear i felt your tongue when we kissed goodnight.

Everyone except us knows we're together.

You go to Perth for the weekend. You meet someone.

We have the other talk. The one like we had last night.

The talk where you tell me that I'm your best friend but that if you're really honest with yourself then you have to admit I'm not only too old for you but also too fat and not pretty enough... and at the end of the day you can do much better.

Of course you don't want to hurt my feelings and it's not personal.

Baby... it is personal. I'm a person.

Do you really think you're my ideal partner?

You're not very bright, hugging you is like holding bones and to be completely honest you have the smallest penis i've ever come across... and i've come across quite a few... because i'm so old.

But I love you despite.

I love you more than anyone.

So, yes, i was hurt by our talk last night.

I'm hurt because we're here again.

And here's what will happen...

You'll become smitten with the new Perth guy.

You'll freak him out. He'll stop calling.

You'll 'decide' maybe you don't like this guy after all.

You'll come back to me and say you're confused about everything.

You'll say maybe you're not confused... and maybe we should be together.

I'll meet someone else.

You'll decide you're not confused and you definately want us to be together.

I'll say you're too late then stew on it for two weeks.

I'll come back to you.

You'll go to Perth for the weekend.

You'll come home and say that we need to talk.

I hate you.

I hate that i love you so much. I fucking hate it.

never take the jumbo cup

It started off so civilly, but that’s how most of our nights do. Maybe that’s the telltale sign we should have looked for. Everyone was sober, happy and grateful to be free of the working week.

 A quick drink at the pub found Miss H, Nighty, the boyfriend and I talking over the week that was and making plans for the two days ahead. A phone call from our Perth mate Trainerboy informed us he was in town and searching for us. A few minutes later he arrived, sweaty and hot. Sweaty from the run to the pub, hot from the fact he’s ridiculously good looking and sporting legs too good to be true.

We downed a few before I suggested we fulfil a dream I’ve had since arriving in Albany 4 years before… to go ten pin bowling.

 We hurried back to mine filled with anticipation of an evening where none of us would be smashed, no one would be injured and we’d all go and leave as one group. Oh how wrong I was. My first mistake was to invite the Couple. History has proven them to be trouble with a capital CM. These two like nothing better than to let loose, break furniture, swing each other wildly around the room and be sent home in disgrace… but how could they possibly carry out these actions at a bowling alley? How indeed?

 We stopped at the bottle shop on the way. Sure we bought a shit load of wine and spirits, but it was on sale and whatever we didn’t drink could be saved for another day. Yes I was kidding myself but I was possibly a bit too drunk to care… and we hadn’t arrived at the alley yet.

 The bowling alley was a picture of small town chic. darkened lanes, neon lit backdrops and a soundtrack ripped straight from my days of rollerdisco. I blame the alley for playing the grease megamix followed by divinyls. What else could we do but turn into 1987 bogans. On a side note I was wearing stretch black skinny jeans so I was in bowling night heaven.

 As we arrived we realised we had no glasses so the alley attendant supplied us with plastic cups. Not just any cups mind you but those milkshake sized mugs reserved for spiders and whatever is being consumed by alcoholics. Do you see where this story is going?

 We had the best night. Seriously one of the best nights I’ve had. We were loud and obnoxious, singing, dancing, occasionally bowling and constantly checking out the gaggle of eighteen year old hotties in the lane next door. Initially our rowdiness was diffused by the other patrons but as the night wore on the crowd dwindled and soon it was just us and a very bored looking attendant.

 By this time things were looking a bit… how you say… messy.

 No one was scoring, Trainer Boy and Bonnie were throwing themselves down the laneway, Miss H was table top dancing on the Scoreboard and multiple balls were being sent down single lanes. This was when the lights came on and the music stopped. Apparently it was time for us to leave.

 We removed our hire shoes and made our way to the front. On the way Trainer boy stopped to shoplift two cans of soft drink and a packet of chips. I hurried past him and pushed open the front door and walked outside…

 …just in time to see the couple swinging each other around, and to see her pirouette beautifully towards the balcony railings… except there was a gap in the rails and  Miss C slid straight through that gap and plunged over the edge head first. We raced down the two metre stairwell to see her still on the bitumen driveway. The show it seems was over. Actually that’s not true. The show had just begun.

 After a few minutes we got C to her feet. We ummed and arred about an ambulance but she insisted we go home. We hailed a taxi and got home as fast as the driver could. During the journey we managed to spill a bottle of wine over the cab floor. I dashed inside to grab a roll of paper towels and dabbed away at the maxi taxi floor. Meanwhile C was moved to the couch and everyone stood over her in concern.

 C needed to go to the hospital but she was being stubborn and now was calling for the only member of our social circle not actually with us. She refused to travel until Nighty was called so we jumped in the car and raced off to collect her. Miss H was driving, and a little intoxicated, but the emergency had sent our adreniline racing and no one had thought to question who was in a fit state to drive. No one except the police car that cruised behind us and flashed its lights, ending our journey two kilometres short of our destination.

 The police were extremely polite, even as they led Miss H to the back of their car. She had blown 0.07 and was now being escorted to the police station. I explained our predicament to the officers and asked if they could breathalyze me  to see if I was fit to take the wheel. Unfortunately they couldn’t oblige as a positive reading would mean I would have to be taken to the station as well. They told me the only option would be for me to drive and then be pulled over. Ok, that makes no sense to me either but I found myself behind the wheel and heading towards Nights place. At this point I should stress that I was under the limit and have no idea why I wasn’t driving in the first place. Night was waiting on the driveway for me tapping her foot impatiently.

 She jumped in the car and we sped(keeping well within the speed limit ofcourse) back to the house to pick up C.

 to be continued…

just the cheque please...

The only sound came from the television in the room next door.

Ok, there was also the sound of the argument in the room beyond that but we were pretending that noise wasn't happening. The two of us sat at the table, a table set for five, though it had become increasingly clear only two of us were eating.

Twenty minutes before the kitchen was a hub of laughter and joy. My mate was leaving town so i invited he and myself to Miss H's for a farewell dinner. I was cooking and drinking so as far as i knew everything was fine. But that was from the safety of the kitchen bench. If I had been standing at the table, either end, i would have seen the storm brewing. 

Miss H was online and facebooking, except she wasn't on her own facebook. The boyfriend had left his account open and Miss H was networking from his page when a message popped up. "How's the new girlfriend going?" 

As this point in the story i must state i do not condone Miss H reading or writing on someone else's account... but I do it all the time so who am I to judge. 

Miss H did what any new girlfriend would do and messaged the friend back telling her how amazing the new girl was... except she started the message with "OMG". The response was swift, "WTF is with OMG? Is someone else writing this is are you gay?" Miss H responded, like five or six times before the boyfriend realized. By this time she'd indicated to the friend that he was not gay, but spending a lot of time with some, very happy in his new relationship and glad to be rid of the old girlfriend. 

I'm still roasting carrots, soaking cranberries and drinking champagne, blissfully unaware that an argument had started. In my defense it was happening silently. The boyfriend had grabbed the computer back and Miss H was messaging him from her phone. the argument went back and forth whilst i cooked, drank and teased my mate about his hideous scarf. If i'd know I would have ripped the appliances from both their hands and not given them back until after dinner, and only if they'd eaten all their meal.

The boyfriend stood to leave the room. I announced that dinner would be ready in two minutes. Miss H's phone rang. She checked the message and left the room. Dinner was ready and the bedroom door was shut. We waited a good two minutes and then started dinner. My mate and I small talked over the sound of the television and that other noise. Soon we had finished our meal and a bottle of wine.

We looked at each other across the table. "Lets go."

We stood, left our empty plates and grabbed a bottle of red for the walk home.

The twenty minute walk took forty five minutes, apparently due to my inability to talk and walk at the same time. I blame the stopping at Hungry Jacks for dessert. That and my inability to talk and walk at the same time.

Miss H came to see me at work today. All is not well.

However she did show me how to open my own blog.

I promised she'd be my first story and in return she promised to go home and reheat her dinner from last night.